--- title: "Desire Discrepancy Therapy in California · Fanshen Thompson, LCSW" description: "Online therapy for desire discrepancy and mismatched libido in California couples. Berkeley LCSW Fanshen Thompson. Book a free 20-minute consultation." lang: en json-ld: | [ { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": [ "ProfessionalService", "MedicalBusiness", "MedicalClinic" ], "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#business", "name": "Fanshen Thompson, LCSW", "url": "https://fanshenthompson.com", "logo": "https://fanshenthompson.com/og.jpg", "image": "https://fanshenthompson.com/og.jpg", "email": "fanshen@fanshenthompson.com", "priceRange": "$$$", "medicalSpecialty": "Mental Health", "address": { "@type": "PostalAddress", "addressLocality": "Berkeley", "addressRegion": "CA", "addressCountry": "US" }, "areaServed": { "@type": "State", "name": "California" }, "contactPoint": { "@type": "ContactPoint", "contactType": "customer service", "email": "fanshen@fanshenthompson.com" }, "founder": { "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#practitioner" }, "employee": { "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#practitioner" }, "openingHoursSpecification": [ { "@type": "OpeningHoursSpecification", "dayOfWeek": [ "Tuesday", "Wednesday", "Thursday", "Friday" ], "opens": "09:00", "closes": "18:00" } ], "sameAs": [ "https://www.linkedin.com/in/fanshen-thompson-lcsw-672425216/", "https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100086164215212", "https://pin.it/5enxDfD" ] }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "Person", "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#practitioner", "name": "Fanshen Thompson", "honorificSuffix": "LCSW", "jobTitle": "Licensed Clinical Social Worker", "url": "https://fanshenthompson.com", "image": "https://fanshenthompson.com/og.jpg", "email": "fanshen@fanshenthompson.com", "address": { "@type": "PostalAddress", "addressLocality": "Berkeley", "addressRegion": "CA", "addressCountry": "US" }, "worksFor": { "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#business" }, "hasCredential": [ { "@type": "EducationalOccupationalCredential", "credentialCategory": "License", "identifier": "LCSW #25004", "recognizedBy": { "@type": "Organization", "name": "California Board of Behavioral Sciences" } } ], "knowsAbout": [ "Couples Therapy", "Relationship Therapy", "Sex Therapy", "Individual Therapy", "Intimacy", "Communication", "Attachment", "Sexual Shame", "Desire Discrepancy" ], "sameAs": [ "https://www.linkedin.com/in/fanshen-thompson-lcsw-672425216/", "https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100086164215212", "https://pin.it/5enxDfD" ] }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "WebSite", "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#website", "url": "https://fanshenthompson.com", "name": "Fanshen Thompson, LCSW", "publisher": { "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#business" } }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Specialties", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/specialties" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Desire Discrepancy", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/specialties/desire-discrepancy" } ] }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "MedicalTherapy", "name": "Desire Discrepancy Therapy with Fanshen Thompson, LCSW", "provider": { "@id": "https://fanshenthompson.com/#practice" }, "areaServed": { "@type": "State", "name": "California" }, "url": "https://fanshenthompson.com/specialties/desire-discrepancy" }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "BreadcrumbList", "itemListElement": [ { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 1, "name": "Home", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 2, "name": "Specialties", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/specialties" }, { "@type": "ListItem", "position": 3, "name": "Desire Discrepancy", "item": "https://fanshenthompson.com/specialties/desire-discrepancy" } ] }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "FAQPage", "speakable": { "@type": "SpeakableSpecification", "cssSelector": [ "h1", ".faq-question", ".faq-answer" ] }, "mainEntity": [ { "@type": "Question", "name": "Is desire discrepancy fixable?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Most cases, yes — desire discrepancy is more often about conditions, attachment, and communication than about innate libido. When the underlying dynamics shift, desire usually re-emerges in both partners, though sometimes in different shapes than expected." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "What if my partner has truly low libido?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Some people have lower baseline desire, and that's not pathology. The work becomes finding mutual intimacy patterns that work for both of you — which may or may not center on frequent sexual contact. Honesty about this is freeing for both partners." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "Do we need to do sex therapy specifically?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Desire discrepancy work IS a form of sex therapy. I work with couples on desire, intimacy, and sexual connection as part of relationship therapy — sometimes that focuses primarily on the sexual relationship, sometimes it's broader." } }, { "@type": "Question", "name": "What if shame or trauma is part of the picture?", "acceptedAnswer": { "@type": "Answer", "text": "Often it is. Sexual shame, body shame, religious or cultural messages, and past sexual trauma can all sit underneath desire discrepancy. We move into this material at the pace of nervous systems — never pushing, always with consent and care." } } ] } ] --- [![Fanshen Thompson, LCSW](/assets/logo-mark-DCWEUPFA.png)Fanshen Thompson LCSW ](/) [Home](/)[About](/about) Services Specialties [Approach](/approach)[Notes](/blog)[FAQ](/faq)[Resources](/resources) [Book a Free 20-Minute Consultation](/contact#book) SPECIALTY · CALIFORNIA # Therapy for _desire discrepancy_ in California. One of you wants sex more often than the other — and over years, this has become its own quiet crisis. The higher-desire partner feels rejected, undesired, and increasingly unable to ask without it landing as pressure. The lower-desire partner feels broken, guilty, and unable to say yes without it feeling like obligation rather than choice. Neither of you wanted this dynamic. Both of you are exhausted by it. [Book a Free 20-Minute Consultation](/contact) Desire discrepancy is one of the most common reasons couples come to therapy — and it's also one of the most misunderstood. It's rarely about libido alone. Underneath the surface mismatch are usually attachment patterns, body shame, communication breakdowns, unaddressed resentments, and conditions for desire that have never been honestly examined. This work isn't about pushing one partner to want more or asking the other to want less. It's about creating conditions where authentic desire can return — for both of you. If you're sitting with any of this ## You don't have to keep _living like this._ - You initiate, get turned down, stop initiating, and then resent the silence. - You feel guilty saying no but obligated saying yes — and neither feels good. - Sex has become something you negotiate or avoid rather than something you share. - You've stopped flirting, touching, or being physically close because it might 'lead somewhere.' - You're not sure if you've lost desire for your partner or for sex in general — and you don't know how to talk about it without it turning into a fight. The Approach ## How I work with _desire discrepancy._ Desire discrepancy work starts by mapping the actual landscape — not what you assume your partner wants or feels, but what's actually happening in each of your bodies, minds, and histories around desire and intimacy. We examine conditions for desire (different for each person), attachment patterns that get activated around sex, communication around physical needs that's been avoided or weaponized, and the small daily moments that either build connection or quietly erode it. The goal isn't 'more sex' as a metric. The goal is mutual desire — sex that feels chosen, embodied, and wanted by both of you. Sometimes that means more frequency. Sometimes it means redefining what intimacy looks like. Always it means honest conversation about what's underneath the surface mismatch. ## Common _questions._ ### Is desire discrepancy fixable? ### What if my partner has truly low libido? ### Do we need to do sex therapy specifically? ### What if shame or trauma is part of the picture? Related specialties ## Where this _connects._ [ Specialty ### Sexual Shame Explore → ](/specialties/sexual-shame) [ Specialty ### Communication Breakdown Explore → ](/specialties/communication-breakdown) [ Specialty ### Infidelity Recovery Explore → ](/specialties/infidelity-affair-recovery) Begin ## Asking for help takes courage. Book a free 20-minute consultation to see if working together feels right. [Book a Free Consultation](/contact) ![Fanshen Thompson, LCSW logo](/assets/logo-mark-DCWEUPFA.png) Relationship therapy for people who are ready for real change. Licensed Clinical Social Worker · LCSW #25004 [](https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/971893) Affiliations ![Gesher Community Care affiliate provider](/__l5e/assets-v1/7e4684e6-648d-48d4-892e-5c8678e89c88/gesher-community-care.png) Online Therapy Sessions held via secure video for clients across California. Hours Tue–Fri, 9am–6pm PT Contact [fanshen@fanshenthompson.com](mailto:fanshen@fanshenthompson.com)[Book a Free 20-Minute Consultation](/contact) [](https://www.linkedin.com/in/fanshen-thompson-lcsw-672425216/)[](https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100086164215212)[](https://pin.it/5enxDfD) Explore - [About](/about) - [Therapy](/therapy) - [Therapy for Couples](/therapy/couples) - [Therapy for Individuals](/therapy/individuals) - [Sex Therapy](/therapy/sex-therapy) - [Notes](/blog) - [FAQ](/faq) - [Resources](/resources) - [Relationship Therapy in Berkeley](/relationship-therapy-berkeley) - [Find an Online Sex Therapist](/how-to-find-an-online-sex-therapist) - [Contact](/contact) Specialties - [Infidelity & Affair Recovery](/specialties/infidelity-affair-recovery) - [Desire Discrepancy](/specialties/desire-discrepancy) - [Sexual Shame](/specialties/sexual-shame) - [Communication Breakdown](/specialties/communication-breakdown) - [Anxious Attachment](/specialties/anxious-attachment-couples) - [Parenting Conflict](/specialties/parenting-conflict) In crisis? If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call or text [988](tel:988) (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or call [911](tel:911). This site is not a substitute for emergency care. [Privacy](/privacy.html)[Terms](/terms.html)[Cookies](/cookie.html)[Disclosures](/disclaimers.html)[Good Faith Estimate](/good-faith-estimate.html)[Accessibility](/accessibility)[Cookie Settings](/cookie.html) Contacting this practice does not establish a therapist–client relationship. Individual outcomes vary. Nothing on this site guarantees a specific clinical result. © 2026 Fanshen Thompson, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photography by Allison Busch Website by [Automaus.ai](https://automaus.ai) Your privacy matters Functional cookies are required. Analytics and marketing cookies are off by default — you choose. 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